You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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