I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Are we still banned from the library?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
