Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
