all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
