Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
as a side note pls kill me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
