I accidentally had phone sex last night
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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