fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
