Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
