I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
