Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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