you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
