It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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