Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
