Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
