I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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