Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
