Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
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I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You ruined the universe
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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