I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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