if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
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I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
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Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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