I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
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Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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