You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
