I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
