bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
