Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
