her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
