i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
