Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
