the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
