you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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