she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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