I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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