I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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