So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
