new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize