He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
