Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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