the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
