im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
