when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
