Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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