yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
