bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
