I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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