So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
