I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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