oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
