shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
