just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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