I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
