She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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