I met the friendliest cop last night
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
