my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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