i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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