If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
