he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
