FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
